The Slippery and Darkened Spiral

Depression is a spiral for me.

Each person I know who's been through depression has a different way of seeing it. The classic feeling for me many years ago used to be one of feeling like I was in a tunnel someone else made and mostly I couldn't see the light at the end of it. Occasionally there'd be a glimmer but it was impossible to tell if it was an actual light or if my brain was just making things up due to the long term meta sensory deprivation.

I got out of the tunnel. I had 15 years or so of living in the light. I occasionally got depressed, everyone does, but let a day or so go by and whatever it was wasn't important any more.

This time it's not a tunnel. This time it's a very dark and slippery spiral.

In recent weeks I've sat at the bottom of this spiral well a lot.

Occasionally I scramble up the slippery spiral or I jump from level to level and briefly get to see the light. It takes a huge amount of effort both to get anywhere near the top and a huge amount of effort to hold on to wherever I have made it to up the spiral.

While my strength lasts I try to use being in the lighter shadows to improve my situation. I call out to those around me and let them know I am still alive. They matter to me.

When I'm sat at the bottom of the spiral I rest and plan for my next assault on the spiral. This time the plan will work.

The worst times? When you have an obligation and your state of mind is fighting you every step of the way to fulfil that obligation. I'm useless, I can't even get out of bed and make a coffee, let alone do my duty. You kick and scream at yourself from inside. You lie to yourself about how things will be if you just get on with it. You try and work out who you used to be and how you got here. You go round in circles.

If you're suffering from chronic stress as well... you shake, you're cold, you're hot, you're thirsty and by the time you've made a drink you're no longer thirsty. You're hungry, you make food, you throw it away with only the tiniest nibble taken to justify having made it. Food disgusts you, people disgust you, you disgust you. You spike on adrenalin and then crash and become comatose.

Nothing is enticing. Nothing is worth it.

Nothing.

You sit in the well at the bottom of the spiral.