Can I Go Back To Bed Now

Anxiety is pounding away at me. I'm shaking. I'm trying to not give up or give in.

I need to login to file my tax return. I've got 9 tabs for HMRC open at the moment trying to find out how to reset 2fa security after having lost my phone. This is before I even get near to filling in my first ever tax return, which will itself be a stressful encounter of "And what do they mean by that".

The only way I can reset my security is to "contact an admin user and ask them to remove extra security from your account" and how exactly do I contact an admin user? No, no info on that. I click "Still need help?", yep, I definitely need help.

Please call us if:
You need to reset extra security

Before you call
Make sure you have your Self Assessment Unique Taxpayer Reference (UTR)

UTR found. So what's the phone number. No phone number. Okay I'll go find the phone number then.

The deadline and a £100 fine is looming closer.

I'm already confused by what I've read online. I have to report my business income and my personal income. When you're a sole trader what's the difference?

And how does the government scheme for live-in landlords tie into this? I don't normally have to claim the rent from the lodger as it is tax free when under a certain amount. But do I need to claim that for a self assessment? I haven't even started and I already have questions. Hopefully some of them will be answered when I actually get through to the form. Past experience says this will not be the case but I'm going to keep an open mind.

That I can only make phone calls from one room of the house (If I want to hear anything without it breaking up constantly) and that the room happens to be next to one of the busiest roads in the city makes any call awkward at best.

I'd use WiFi calling but for some reason that doesn't work anymore and many attempts at investigating why it doesn't work have failed. It doesn't help that I have a phobia of phone calls.

At the same time there are many other things vying for my attention.

I need to design the next stage of the architecture for a system I'm building for a customer. Then I need to implement that architecture. Preferably before tomorrow. I need to get a quote done. Also preferably before tomorrow. Both activities are highly technical and require focus to be held for a long time.

I need to do something about the old washing machine (the lodger broke it) to get it out of the way. I've taken it apart so that I can manhandle it into my car but since the council changed the parking around here I'm looking at lugging it all to two roads away or risk getting a parking ticket. This will take physical energy I don't really have. If I'm going to take the time and effort to drag a bunch of stuff to the recycling centre (The map was wrong but I found it anyway) then I should probably find a few of the other bits of junk that are lying around in the backyard and take them too. It's not going to happen today. That's now a Saturday job.

I need to finish off cleaning the kitchen because the lodger thinks that it cleans itself....

...Stop that, this is not important you can deal with these things later.

These are all minimal things but they all add stress to an already stressful situation. My teeth are grinding, I'm nauseous, and I'm panting, so I'll spend a few minutes now controlling my breathing and relaxing my jaw.

Nothing moves forward and I'm almost in tears at my perceived failure. You can't give in. You need to do this. You've got a mask you need to wear.

My brain chimes in "You need to eat". I don't have time to eat. I'm not hungry and I have no appetite anyway. Shut up.

Timing is everything. My reminder to eat pops up just as I'm thinking this (Yes, I have to remind myself to eat because my body doesn't do it for me).

The hot drink I made (I'm cold and shaking) has already gone cold. I'm thinking about making another one but that just feels like procrastination and it makes my heart pound harder and faster.

So one step at a time. Find the phone number needed. When I've found the phone number then I can think about what I need to do next.

I'm exhausted by the thoughts. I could quite literally crawl back into bed and never wake up again, but I won't.

The shame of it is that it's a beautiful day and I really hoped I'd get out for a brief walk while the sun was as high as it gets in the sky. That time has passed, it will be cold and dark soon.