Title Undecided

I regularly suffer from Executive Dysfunction.

Executive Dysfunction seems to be a rather ambiguous term and I don't wish to appropriate it if I'm applying it incorrectly. It's not a disease per se but more a symptom of other functionality.

Like a lot of people with mental health problems I am comorbid, I could spend a fair amount of time listing the various things that ail me on both the physical and mental side. I'm going to try and focus on the mental activity side and how it has an impact on the physical side.

I've been fighting Executive Dysfunction for a couple of years now as an almost constant thing. Some days are much better than the average and some are much worse. The average, once combined with mental and physical exhaustion, is really taking a toll.

Constant stress, and the anxiety that goes along with it, causes most of my mental and physical exhaustion. Stress leads to hormonal release and eventually your body gets topped out on adrenalin and other self-made stimulants. When this goes away, particularly after an anxiety attack, you can be left sat in a mental slump, a physical one, or both. Just as in the physical world of material science we can only take excessive stress for so long before we break.

My intentions always start out well. I just about keep on top of things that need doing. Just about. I organise my priorities based on needing to earn enough of an income to not go under completely, basic health, and then other stuff. There are days when I don't even manage the first of those priorities. There are days when those priorities invert. But those are the general rules in order to keep having a chance to get out of this.

Earning enough income means paying the mortgage and other bills that I will ultimately be taken to court for non payment of.

Basic health means eating, cleaning, and rest.

Other stuff means socialising, personal projects, sorting the house out, exercise, photography, guitar... and the income to support them.

I'm writing this because I've failed again today and I'm hoping I'll see writing this as something positive about today, it also forces me to think about how and why my head works as it does.

I've failed to move any work forward (though I probably will later), other than answer some support queries, which means I'm repeatedly clock watching as the hours of the day tick by (ooh look notable number, it's 13:37). I've looked at todo lists (I wrote my own task list software that has a "Go to hell" button as well as a "Like" button, to help me prioritise), I've looked at code, I've looked at infrastructure. I've not been able to find an avenue forward.

I've failed to do much productive in my personal life; still nothing significant organised, still nothing on any of my projects moved forward. I had a new washing machine delivered yesterday which I've sort of manhandled into an okay place for now and hooked up. Therefore, I've managed to reduce the washing pile that has built up since the old one broke. Finding a laundrette that I could park near and wasn't busy whenever I could get the energy to leave the house seemed to be an impossible task, so I've been washing small batches of clothes in the bath.

I'm finding it hard to see anything about today as a success (more washing to do, still need to dispose of the old washing machine [tick: added to ToDo list]).

This is about as far as I can write at the moment. My eyes are weeping, my arms are aching, I'm yawning, and I'm panting.

I am now in Executive Dysfunction.

I stop writing.

My mind fills with half whispered thoughts. Not direct stresses, just ghosts of all the things that need doing. I can't form a complete thought.

I cannot make a decision on what to do (continue writing, sort life problem A out, sort life problem B out, sort life problem...) or even the simplest thing (do I want a coffee? My lips and mouth are dry, I'm tired, I'm thirsty. Nope, I don't know). I cannot find the energy to stand up.

I want to keep on writing but the thoughts invading my mind won't let me focus. I fight to blank it all out and with a temporary reprieve and screaming at myself to "fuck off and leave me alone" I manage to write another sentence. After four or five, the effort is overwhelming. My arms ache even more, my eyes are now dripping and I keep closing them, I've gone from panting to full hyperventilation, I can feel my pulse throughout my whole body. I keep on fighting to write.

It will be at least an hour before I recover enough to post this. Time to go back to staring and stressing about working out how to log in to fill in my tax assessment. Maybe this time trying to reset my gov.uk 2factor auth will not error and I will be able to login.